el presente es el unico que tengo

It's been my mantra of late: Live in the present. LIVE in the present. Live in the PRESENT.

For various reasons, that's harder than it might seem. Whereas my tendency 4 years ago might have been to live in the future....[see: "when [fill in the blank] happens,, then [choose positive consequence].], now my strong temptation is to live in the past. Like when I had my car accident 3 weeks ago, and was missing $2 taxi rides in Nicaragua. Or when I tried to chooose my favorite 200 photos to print for an album, and found myself wandering down memory lane for hours at a time. Now it's "I miss [fill in the blank] from Nicaragua." All the time. Especially on the first major Nica holiday I missed (July 19th, anniversary of the triumph of the Sandinista Revolution) or when, like yesterday I am sitting in the bookstore minding my own business and de repente a family I have seen multiple times walks in and proceeds to sit down next to me and start talking en español and all I can do is smile and hold back tears at the same time. I desperately want to interrupt them but know that would probably be kind of rude here (but in Nicaragua, well,....)

The present. It's pure paradox. On the one hand, it's been really fulfilling to see a lot of old faces, go to some familiar places, eat some comfort food, and enjoy the air conditioning. On the other hand, driving stresses me out (though I had a really nice road trip to Dallas last week--thanks Brett's family for hosting me!), I have no structure or routine to give my days meaning (other than exercise, which is really the only thing I have managed to maintain thus far from la vida nica), and the simplicity I crave from my former life seems perpetually elusive here. On the one hand, it's nice to go to the restroom and not worry that my stuff will be gone when I return. On the other hand, people's lives are so totally overscheduled that it's almost impossible to make plans with anyone without a couple weeks notice. And some people I thought I would surely see upon my return have disappeared...while others who were not a part of my life at all before I left are suddenly the most important people I know and want to hang out with. [I have managed to see my siblings quite a bit though--pictured above.]

The present. It's all I have. I'm trying to live in it, but it's making me crazy to live out of one suitcase. Maybe I'm ready for the future after all. 9 days til I move to Austin!